The Avengers directed by Joss Whedon

Overall Rating: 4.5/ 5

I'm mostly zoning in and out during the opening when a fake-creepy voice is talking about the magic glow box, trying to sort out my yarn situation without my scarf getting caught on my needles and making sure I have enough tea to last through the first half of the movie. The voice narration at the beginning of movies is hard to pull off, unless you're Cate Blanchett. 

It really starts with Fury, Hill, and Coulson just generally being badass. I like the humans. The tesseract has been stolen and they're frantically trying to find it again. Dr. Selvig's here, which I'm super excited about, and Hawkeye. Then enter Loki. In the most dramatic way possible. Loki who looks like he's been tweaking a little too long and strung out past the point of no return. He's all sweaty. Not that it's not hot and all, but under all that leather? So he taps Hawkeye and Bootstrap Bill with his evil glow stick then limps away while Sam Jackson does pretty much what he does in every other film he's ever been in - chases and snarks and survives. Fury takes one to the chest - he gets shot in the chest a lot in these movies... They take off with Hill and all standing SHIELD agents in pursuit but get away. We also get two of Loki's best lines within the first ten minutes.

I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.

An ant has no quarrel with a boot. 

Now that the tesseract is in enemy hands, Fury declares them officially at war. That means they have to call in their best assets. That means that Coulson has to call in Natasha while she's in the middle of an "interrogation". Dude, some people work for a living. Give her five minutes. However, with Hawkeye compromised she's got bigger things to worry about. It's not until Black Widow goes atomic that I can really start to focus. Joss, your bad-ass heroines have my heart. They truly do. And Scarlett Johansson is no exception. Just for sheer physicality, I don't think anyone in the movie got close to her opening fight scene. 

Her next stop is India to "collect" Dr. Banner who's slumming it in India while wearing a full suit. Like you do... I know there was a lot of butt-hurt about casting Mark Ruffalo instead of Edward Norton, but I was stoked with it. I went back to watch the Hulk after to compare. I think they were both good, even though I was half expecting Mark to rub me the wrong way as a good guy. Let's face it, he's best when he's rough, but I think he pulled it off really well. And Mark is bringing the hotness I must say. That's a good trick up your sleeve for a dude who regularly shreds his clothes to pieces. We actually get some of his sweet side here; the side that's desperately trying to find something to live for, to use his knowledge to help people instead of the "Big Guy" who likes to smash. Natasha persuades him to come to SHIELD though I doubt he would have had much choice about it. 

Fury himself goes to recruit Steve "Dat Ass" Rogers while he's sweating and boxing. He's also having some serious flashbacks that makes you remember he's probably going through some severe PTSD while trying to cope with this new era. But he's ready to go. He's definitely a fighter. Fury warns him that it's going to be weird and bets him $10 that Steve will be surprised unlike his claim otherwise. Steve's going to come along though you can tell he's 100% done with this tesseract shit already.

Then along comes Stark, underwater and creating sustainable clean energy. Good job, Pepper. He lights up Stark tower like a tacky Jetsons skyscraper. Coulson rudely interrupts a rare night between Tony and Pepper. Coulson, seriously sweetheart. Just messing up everyone's day. Which I guess Pepper doesn't really mind because she geeks out over the (secret) Avengers initiative and walks away to let Tony do his homework. Immediately after, we get to see Coulson catching Steve up to the situation. This scene was created solely for the purpose of allowing Coulson to caress Steve with his eyes the whole way to the helicarrier. He loves you, Steve. He's wearing underwear with your face on it. They're his only pair of underwear. 

Loki is able to use his glowstick to speak with the leader of the Chitauri army. This General guy says something that a lot of people aren't paying enough attention to when Loki's mouthing off. He says his ambition is little and full of childish need. I know everyone loves Loki and I kinda do too, but you weren't a king Loki. You were second in line to an overbearing father and an unready older brother. Also, you're kind of a dick. 

Now we finally get to see the gang together. Almost. They're not assembling yet, because they're not Avengers yet. But they're all in the same room! Natasha's all business, Steve is polite and serious, Banner twitchy. Fury fills them in on the situation. Find Loki, find tesseract (hopefully find Barton). Steve pays Fury $10.

Now while SHIELD is trying to get to Loki, he's trying to get his ducks in a row to unleash the power of the tesseract. He's got Clint and Selvig working with him. Okay, Selvig? Adorable when brainwashed. The tesseract tells Clint that he needs an eye and his Hawk one just won't do. (I would be sorry for all the bad jokes, but I'm very lonely.) Loki gets fancied up with a very fetching scarf and cane so he can fuck shit up. Loki steals someone's eye by gently replicating it with a pointy thing. Then he puts on the horns and a demonstration, saying "you were made to be ruled". If he'd only have said "you were made to be rocked" and vaulted into "Let There Be Rock" by AC/DC, this whole thing could have turned out differently. He did not. He is rudely interrupted by Steve. Steve ultimately is no match for a demi-god, but he holds his own until Iron Man and Natasha in a very dangerous, fully loaded aircraft convince him that maybe he doesn't want to do that anymore. It's okay, Stark brought the AC/DC. 

They get him onto the plane, but are flying through a storm. Did you know that Thor is the god of storms? You do now. 

Click any link above for source. You didn't seriously think I was funny enough to make that right? Right.

Spoken like a kid who got a thousand too many noogies as a kid.

Thor grabs Loki and proceeds with his brotherly speech. How can you say you're not brothers, Loki? You fight like an old married couple then rough house. That's what brothers do. Or at least they do until Iron Man takes out Thor. Loki is left to file his nails while Thor and Stark exchange manly aggression, swiftly broken up by Steve who is one of maybe three adults in this entire movie. 

Loki gets thrown in the infamous glass cage every handsome villain gets and gives a great speech. Fury ain't having it. Stark makes an entrance. Then POW! Science Bros! I think some stuff happened before that but the bromance between Tony and Bruce stole the show. How many people can these guys really relate to? Tony is cut off from real people because of his celebrity and obsessions and gigantic ego, while Bruce is cut off because of people wanting to dissect him like a bug. So, same thing really. Plus, how many people aren't afraid of Hulk? The rest of the Avengers are terrified and here's Tony trying to provoke a reaction from him like a four year old until Bruce Hulksplodes and takes out the ship. It makes me feel all fuzzy. I want someone on Youtube to make a Science Bros video with "She Blinded Me With Science". Then maybe do a sequel with "Weird Science". Then do a separate movie that inspires a spin-off called the Bruce and Tony Show. 

 

I really like Science Bros. I really love the way they science... Science!

Anyways, they have to get Tasha in there to get any useful information out of Loki. Unsurprisingly, she does. You can't kid a kidder, Loki. Joss also proved once again if you use a fancy word, no one will notice that it's dirty. The mewling quim line is the star of the show. Then everyone is fighting. Oh no, SHIELD is bad? Really, a governmental body is doing bad things? We're shocked. They're making WMD? Oh nos! While they squabble, Bruce grabs the glowstick and Loki's just losing his mind with happiness. Target locked, Team Tesseract deployed. 

Now we get some fighting with non-science! Bruce, played by the Hulk. I refuse to call him 'The Other Guy'. It just sounds like he cheated on himself. With himself. Weird. Anyways, what I'm trying to get at here is that there are only 3 memorable fight scenes in this movie and here's the second one, also starring Scarlett being nimble as hell while running away from the Hulk. She also gets a great fight scene with Clint that just reinforces how much I see them as siblings. The hair pulling? The biting? Then some other fighting... Steve and Tony bond... Then Coulson. Coulson dies! He goes down heroic, but ouch. Thor gets tricked into Loki's cage and Loki launches him into a free fall. Hulk took a flying leap too and he falls like a green comet.

Coulson's death eventually leads to them getting together to fight crime and junk after they all have their dramatic soul-searching vignettes. Not only are they facing Loki now, but the "officials" who have launched a nuclear missile at New York to just kill everything and eliminate every threat. Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Thor are there, Stark is on his way, and Bruce shows up just in time. The battle in New York was impressive though. I feel like this is what kept the movie together. Granted, it's the climax so this was the natural building point, but it was still awesome. We got some great special effects and great team fighting. Even if the bad guys looked suspiciously like the guards from The Mummy series, I'm sure I've never seen their giant robo-worm before. I didn't really understand the organic meets robot thing about them, but they all conviently died at the same moment and made one of the best "I can't" gifs in the fandom. 

Natasha figures out a way to shut down the tesseract and Stark flies into the space hole to deliver the nuke. He saves New York, they save the world. Then they eat Shwarma.

Spot Stan Lee

Okay, I guess I took the challenge away from you.

So to recap my Avengers feels: I like Coulson, I don't like Fury, Cap is okay when he's not being a stodgy old man, Tony is adorable when he fawns over Bruce and Bruce is adorable when he's being coy with Tony, Natasha is bad-ass but a little wooden as is Hawkeye, and Thor is great mostly when he's sticking up for little bro or getting Hulk-smashed. Then there's Loki who I want to alternately smack and protect him from the world whilst clutched to my bosom. He is burdened with glorious one-liners. As far as characters, their set-up vignettes have grown on me. I liked the tension between Tony and Steve. I won't mention SCIENCE BROS! again. The Clint - Natasha scenes seemed really forced to me. The ensemble though worked beautifully though and they shine brighter when together. Like glowsticks. 

Joss is a King and makes everything better. I liked the individual movies... Captain America, Thor, but they aren't as good as this. He takes his characters and situations, he doesn't remove any of the gravity of the situation, but he imbues levity when it's entirely appropriate. He elevates his characters to a level of badassery that comic heroes deserve while making them achingly human. 

The fandom name for Steve/Tony/Bruce is the greatest thing ever. Ready? Stark Spangled Banner. Right! RIGHT! So... I guess that's the movie. With, you know, huge chunks of plot removed to make way for gifs. On a side note, I still can't figure out why my screens are so dark. Both my TV and computer screen play movies like I'm watching through dirty windows from across the street. I'll see screencaps from movies later on and wonder where the hell that scene was because it looked TOTALLY different when I watched it. That has nothing to do with anything. I just wanted to vent.

 

I would like to thank the world of gif-makers because you are talented and funny and pick up all the crap I never saw the first 50 times I watch something. Also, you make bad days bearable. I salute you! Please let me know if I've improperly credited a source.

Where to Watch

Buy Marvel's The Avengers from Amazon. It is also available streaming on Netflix.

Bonus: Love Is In The Air

If I knew how to make a photo montage, "I Only Have Eyes For You" would be playing right now.

Parts of this review used with permission from Fan of Stuff. Screencaps were taken by me, all gifs belong to their respective creators. Click on any photo above for the original source.